New.

Farewell

2007-01-01T14:15:00.000-05:00

Hello my blogger friends.

I am writing this post to inform all of you (...the one person who might still be checking this blog!) that I will be terminating it in the near future. When necessary I will post on my husband's blog, www.erskinesblog.blogspot.com.

Thanks for giving me an outlet during my internship!

Thoughts...

2006-12-01T14:41:00.000-05:00

I loved Liz's question about Santa. Issues like that just remind me of the fact that Christians are foreigners here. We live a daily cross-cultural experience because of our faith and our heavenly calling. Sometimes I strongly dislike this intermediate state :)

Do you ever find it hard to balance focusing your attention on Christ and still being apart of this fallen world and fallen relationships. I find that hard. Sometimes I wonder if Christians resign themselves to the thought that we always need to give more attention to the Lord, so it's okay to give attention to other things under the understanding that we're all growing. I tend to do the opposite. I tend to focus too much attention on the Lord so that I miss out on what He's doing around me. Actually, the attention is not really focused on the Lord (because I don't think you can ever do that too much) but it's on me and my end of the relationship.

I am slowly realizing just how destructive my perfectionistic tendencies are. In my relationship with the Lord, others, and in everything I do, I face the fear of what people are going to think of me, how I'm going to do, whether or not I'm going to be accepted. Someone somewhere might suggest that this is very noble that I would be concerned about pleasing the ones I love. However, it's not noble at all. It's downright selfish, self-centered, and prideful.

I am stumbling along in this journey of learning to walk by faith and not by sight. I am reminded of Jeremiah 1, and wonder if he struggled with the same thing:

"Do not say, 'I am a youth,' for you shall go to all whom I send you, and whatever I comand you, you shall speak. Do not be afraid of their faces, for I am with you to deliver you," says the Lord. (v. 7-8)

"Therefore prepare yourself and arise, and speak to them all that I command you. Do not be dismayed before their faces, lest I dismay you before them." (v. 17)

The solution to fear of man is always fear of God. If I fear God I will obey no matter what anyone thinks!

Isaiah 43

2006-11-26T19:52:00.002-05:00

1 But now, thus says the LORD, who created you, O Jacob,
And He who formed you, O Israel:

“ Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
I have called you by your name;
You are Mine.
2 When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
And through the rivers, they shall not overflow you.
When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned,
Nor shall the flame scorch you...

18 “ Do not remember the former things,
Nor consider the things of old.
19 Behold, I will do a new thing,
Now it shall spring forth;
Shall you not know it?
I will even make a road in the wilderness
And rivers in the desert...
Because I give waters in the wilderness
And rivers in the desert,
To give drink to My people, My chosen.
20 The beast of the field will honor Me,
The jackals and the ostriches,
Because I give waters in the wilderness
And rivers in the desert,
To give drink to My people, My chosen.

21 This people I have formed for Myself;
They shall declare My praise.

Spirit of the living God, fall fresh on me!

2006-11-26T19:24:00.000-05:00

Jesus, here I sit. Who can explain the wonder of Your Spirit? Who can describe Your unfailing love and ministering compassion?

I long to climb to the rooftops, run through the streets as the Samaritan woman and say, "He knew everything in my heart, in my life, and He has forgiven me! He has given me Living water to drink that I might never thirst again! He is the Christ, the One true God, my Savior! And He lives! He lives in my heart and in my life!"

Jesus, who can explain the work you have done in my heart? You have awakened my spirit; you have called me forth to know You! You have hidden all the mysteries of Your nature in my heart and all the wisdom of Your Spirit. You are welling up within me a fountain of Living water. I live because You live in me. I am a witness of Your grace, of your mercy, of your love, and of your power. I cannot contain the joy in my heart for you have anointed my head with oil and my cup is overflowing! You have fulfilled Your Word in my heart and broken me under Your truth, only to find that I am alive! I died, I was condemned by my wretchedness; yet you raised me agian unto new life in You! The wonders of your grace I cannot grasp. The love of Your heart I cannot contain. I am overwhelmed by You, oh God of all gods. You are my God and I am Yours. What God has brought together, let not man seperate! Neither death nor life, nor principalities of darkness, neither hights nor depths... nothing can seperate me from the love of God!

Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus! "Death could not hold the promise within - He lives!"

Jesus, you are alive in me today. My eyes are fixed on You and I am running into Your arms, chasing after Your Spirit. Lead me and guide me into mysteries no man can know. Satisfy me in Your love, Most High God. May Your living waters well up within me and overflow unto abundant life.

In Jesus Name!

Continued...

2006-11-25T10:58:00.000-05:00

In clarification of my previous post, I would like to make a statement:

Religion is wonderful and even God's design; however, like the Law of the Old Testament, it can only point to Christ and lead to Life beyond the Law that is achieved by faith and faith alone. Religion in and of itself is not enough to contain God and all the mysteries of His nature. We must find our way even beyond religion in order to discover who we really are in Him and who He really is in us.

That's just what I think right now.

Discovering...

2006-11-24T22:15:00.000-05:00

Too much of my life is swallowed up in religion.

I love the Church, and I love the fellowship of believers. I am not tired of church, of attending or ministering within the church. It's just that, I need more of my life that is not the Church. I need opportunities to see God in raw life.

I don't think a person can well discover who they are within the church. That has been my experience up to this point. We have long since created molds in the church that create in peoples mind a picture of what it means to be a Christian. But if we're doing that for them, and telling them what is right and what is wrong, what the Word says pleases God and what doesn't, how will people learn to really discover who they are in the Lord? And much more so, how will people learn to discover who the Lord really is?

God is Sovereign and so I choose to trust that He is in control of the Church. However, God chose long ago to give man dominion over the earth, and so, like it or not, we are "in control" of what the church does and is. We have shaped it into what it is today and how the world sees it it. Is it what God might have done on His own? Likely not. But He's chosen to work through us.

I'm not sure I am satisfied with the answers, "God is in control," or, "We'll just have to keep praying about it." They are both true, but still, every move of God for reform begins with the people recognizing that something is not okay and then being willing to step out and do something to change it, despite the consquences. And it's not a question of whether or not the Church needs reform, because it always does. But it is a question of how and when.

How and when is the Lord going to bring about reform to His Church and save us from our own home-spun predicament!?

Explanation: New

2006-11-24T16:12:00.000-05:00

God has recently closed a chapter in my life. It didn't seem right to continue on my blog as it had been. God has made me new. I am excited about that. For once, that's all I have to say.

A mystery.

2006-11-22T15:33:00.000-05:00

Okay, I can not believe the amount of computer problems I have experienced on my internship. It is absolutely ridiculous. I find myself once again in the back of the sanctuary, in the sound booth, on the tech computer in order to complete my homework.

Honestly, though, I love being back here when there's nothing else going on. I love to feel alone with my thoughts and captivated by the silence within these walls. So much has happened within these walls... I have been changed by the power of an invisible yet very present God within these walls... Of course no walls can contain the Lord or His work in our lives; but the awesome Presence in this room seems to linger throughout the week.

God is such a mystery. It's a mystery how Lynn and I are different people from when we came here 6 months ago. It's a mystery how we are leaving here to minister in Truro, the armpit of NS! It's a mystery how God uses men like Pastor Rick and the others who serve Him here. It's also a mystery how He chooses some and not others; yet all are considered equal in His eyes.

I am usually pondering something "deep in the depths" (as Lynn would say), and today it is this equality. How can I be chosen, but equal? I can't think I'm better than anyone because I'm called, but neither can I think I am worse because I'm called - though He does call the weakest and the least of the clan. But either of those mindsets lead to pride, because any nature of comparison to another is rooted in pride. It's a mystery to me how God can capture my attention and strip away my guilt and shame, fill me with His Spirit, and empower me to know and serve Him... Yet I still have pride. Somewhere in there my flesh remains wanting significance and recognition, to be the greatest.

This must be what Paul meant when he wrote about the sinful nature constantly needing to be controlled and submitted to the Spirit. This is the self-control he mentions in Galatians 5. Somehow I have the nature of Christ dwelling within me, the same Spirit that raised Christ from the dead; and yet also have a sinful nature, subdued, but present. What a mystery!

This is why, after the "second crisis", a lifetime of growing in holiness remains. When I look to compare myself to others, even in the slightest way, I am feeding the pride of my flesh; but when I choose to fix my eyes on Jesus, the author and the finisher of my faith, I move forward in holiness, being made perfect in love - love for God and love for one another.

What a mystery that God chooses some and not others, yet it is all made right in Himself. It's not something to be explained, it just is because He is. Somehow I am not better or worse because I am chosen, but HE IS. That's the answer. There's equality because HE IS.

So what is the answer to pride? HE IS! What a mystery.

Here I am!

2006-11-04T15:08:00.000-05:00

Oh dear... Well, this journey is nearing an end.

I know I have been quiet for a long while, but I cannot share the deep ponderings of my heart or the latest of my life experiences. They are too personal and too sacred to be touched. And, unfortunately, if I can't share the deep things of my heart, than I tend to have nothing else to say. Not because there are no other good things in my life or things I could easily share with the public; but becuase I am so easily consumed by the deep thoughts of my heart that I can't seem to move on and get to other things untill there is an appropriate measure of inner resolve :). Rev. starks said to me a week or so ago, "You seem to need to understand things, and - not necessarily be in control - but at least be able to operate with understanding." And unfortunately, the Lord doesn't always allow for me to understand my circumstances, thoughts, emotions, relationships, or anything!

So, here I am after about a month of silence and I would like to share a few things with you.

First, I am thrilled to share in the calling of my husband to minister at Immanuel Baptist Church in Truro, NS. We are so excited to move, get settled, and deepen in the love of God for these precious people.

Along those lines, I have an amazing husband who rocks my world. We have grown closer in these few months than ever before and I stand in full support (with an appropriate measure of pride) as he responds to his call to full time worship ministry.

Second, I am in growing amazement of the people, particularly the pastors here at PIWC who have blessed me beyond measure these past several months. We've had our ups an downs :) but I have a deep, unshakeable love and respect for each one of them and their families.

Last, but not least, I am ending this journey by beginning a new one with the Lord. He is doing the work that He promised He would do. He is so in control and has been faithful to every word He has spoken into my heart. I am yet awaiting the fuflillment of that first and last word He spoke that will launch me into this next journey with empowerement and wisdom...

My heart rejoices in the Lord.
Here is a song that has ministered to me over the past month:

The More I Seek You
Christ for the Nations

The more I seek You
The more I find You

The more I find You
The more I love You

I want to sit at your feet
Drink from the cup in Your hand
Lay back against You and breathe
Feel Your heart beat
This love is so deep
It's more than I can stand
I melt in Your peace
It's overwhelming

What can I say? Life happens.

2006-10-06T15:08:00.000-04:00

Okay, okay... So it's been a little busy :)

Well, what is new with the Erskines? I'll tell you:

My sister is having a baby boy! She's due in January, but we just recently found out the baby's gender. We are excited to have a little nephew :)
Lynn left today for the Men's Prayer Summit with the PIWC men (as well as others who go along). He is about to encounter the Lord in a powerful way and if you read this please pray for our husbands as they seek after the face of God for four days!
We have finally begun preparations for the Christmas Production at PIWC. So late, you may ask? Let's not talk about it... I am acting as Assistant Director to Scott and have already been stretched serving in this leadership role.
I have had many experiences leading worship and preaching and am filled with wonder by all God is teaching me - not knowledge or skill, but to trust Him!
Lynn and I are almost half way through the "Cleansing Stream", which is a group Bible Study on the basics of the Christian Life and walking in the Spirit. It is one of the most powerful things I have ever done because in each class (about three hours long), the presence of the Lord descends and Abba Father brings healing, sanctification, and freedom to our wounded souls. I have many testimonies to share...
God has been doing a great work in my life over these past several weeks. I cannot even begin to grasp the immensity of it all. So many little details have combined to reveal a God who has been pursuing me, drawing me in by his patient, unconditional, redeeming love. It's as if I've been receiving gifts, cards, and secret notes, all part of a puzzle. A scarlet thread connected each one, but I still couldn't seem to grasp what the puzzle was trying to say. Suddenly, in the past week, it's as if the author/creator has brought each piece into alignment to reveal a glorious masterpiece from Him to me. What a miracle!

So, this is a snapshot of my life in the past several weeks! I will likely be slow at contributing to the blog world for a little while, but I'm still here :)

Blessings on all of my dear friends whom I miss and pray for often!

Favorite quote from Carla...

2006-09-18T14:45:00.000-04:00

Carla is the new friend, mentor, and prayer warrior mentioned in my previous post. She always says:

In eternity past, God saw that you'd be here, and He's already made provision.

Too much in my head...

2006-09-18T14:22:00.000-04:00

Well, it has been quite some time since my last blog post. I honestly don't know what else to say about that... I would love to blog about the many thoughts and feelings running around inside of both and Lynn and I, but I honestly just don't have the energy!

Big decisions suck.
The enemy sucks.
The refining fire - well it's bittersweet.

New things:

Lynn and I have been going to the gym three mornings out of the week. (Praise!)
We are in the process of making big decisions concerning God's plan for our future.
No I'm not pregnant.
God has placed a woman in my life who is new friend, mentor, and prayer warrior. This is also a huge answer to prayer.
I preached at Presque Isle Wesleyan this past weekend (Praise the Lord - 1 man was saved in the Sunday morning service).
My parents were here visiting this past weekend - they are amazing.
Our deer friends the Simcik's were here visiting last weekend even though we spent little to no time with them!
We've started an intense small group course at the church which has launched us even deeper into the cleansing flow of living waters, tearing away at all remnants of "the old man" and strenghtening our "spirit man" in Christ.
With this small group, we've entered into a spiritual battle that, thankfully, is already won.
Slowly but surely, step by step, and through faith, I am walking deeper and deeper into Christ (the Truth) and further and further from my "Self" - in all it's pain, turmoil, and confusion.

Well, bless the Lord!

Husband, I love you.

2006-09-11T17:29:00.000-04:00

I just need to say that I love my husband. Not for any particular reason, I've just been thinking about him all day and need some outlet to express my love for him.

Husband, I love you. XOXOXO

Praise!

2006-09-10T18:35:00.000-04:00

It's official. Lynn and I just bought a membership to the gym at UMPI (University of Maine at Presque Isle). This is a scary but exciting step for me.

For the past month or so, God has spoken life, health, and strength over my body. For too long I've been "weak" and "sick". No more. God is calling me to walk forwalk in strength and healing. I am terrified! But I am excited that the Lord provided this means to build up my strength physically and spiritually. I am excited to learn endurance in my faith as I "work out" by faith to the glory of God! I have no doubts that I am going to have to pray through embarassment, (especially if I run or work out with my dear, but fearsomely strong in both body and spirit, friend- Laura Mitchell :)! sorry dear friend!), but I know I must depend on the Lord and do everything as unto Him.

There is much more to this praise, but it will take up too much space to write. I know, though, that it's time. It's time for me to step out in Spirit and in truth, walking by faith and not by sight. It's time to step into the authority God has given me in Christ, step into my calling, and start believing God on a new level. I've been hiding for too long. Then I stoppped hiding, but only to stay put "at the door". God has been very patient with me, but I think I'm getting "the Look".

Beside how cool am I to go to the gym!? I need a new outfit :)

Please pray for me! (not for the new outfit you understand...although please feel free!)

Humble confession.

2006-09-09T09:18:00.000-04:00

This morning my heart is heavy with the awareness of its imperfections. It seems so soon after a victory in the Lord my heart is awakened to new ground I have not yet covered. I am humbled by my imperfect heart that beats with the Lord some of the time, and with my flesh still other times.

Yesterday afternoon and evening, I wrestled with a feeling of emptiness, almost a coldness in my heart. I cried out to God all day as to why I felt that way. This morning I realized that God was showing me the true state of my heart. He reminded me of the time I was critical toward someone - just yesterday; then of the time I didn't rejoice with someone else who was rejoicing, but thought of my own plight instead; then, of my selfishness in my marriage, and my tendency toward conditional love instead of unconditional love.

The Bible says "rejoice with those who rejoice", "do everything without grumbling or complaining", and especially, "love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength and love your neighbor as yourself" (somewhat of a paraphrase).

I have never been so aware of my own inability to love. I have never sensed more acutely my desperate need for a complete heart transplant. Even now, after all the Lord has done in my heart! I am still incapable of true love in and of myself.

Oh God, create in me a clean heart and renew a right spirit within me!!! Sanctify my every breath for the glory of Your name!

My heart (part II).

2006-09-08T11:05:00.000-04:00

My heart can't help but respond in praise to my previous post testimony. Thank you to Elizabeth Rhyno for "downloading" (as in from the Lord - meaning she wrote it!) this powerful song that resounds in my heart (I think I have the words right):

I find refuge in You, Father Lord
You are with me here
I am not afriad

I will come to You unashamed
You hold me near
You hear what I say

You give me joy indescribable
My faith is unshakeable
You give me peace when my mountain seems insurmountable

In my anguish I cry to the living God
You capture me, heal me, set me free

Helping me not trutst in man
but the right hand of God
When I am when I am weak I can stand with my head lifted high
In my grief, praise is my victory cry!

You give me joy indecribable
My faith is inshakeable
You give me peace when my mountain seems insurmountable

Mighty are you Lord
Songs of joy and victory resound
Your love endures forever
My strengh and my song

I find refuge in You, Father Lord
You are with me here
I am not afraid.

- Elizabeth Rhyno

My heart.

2006-09-08T10:08:00.000-04:00

I have started writing this post several times over the past week or so; but every time I start, I find myself at a loss for words. Sometimes I have such a hard time communicating what the Lord is doing in my heart, my deep heart, that place where words just can't seem to describe...

Many of you would be familiar with my struggle over the years with human expectations. I wrote a rather "raw" post about it not too long ago (brutally honest). I "learned" that life could one of two ways: express your anger and emotion and be forever punished and persecuted or repress your anger and emotions, behave how poeple want you to, and everyone will be happy. I chose the second option for my life.

Many of you know that I have also struggled with my health over the years. I struggled and sought answers, but found none. I had no peace. I just felt pain all over all the time, felt alone and isolated because "no one could understand", and knew somewhere deep down that it was all my fault.

My physical pain threatened my ability to perform according to the perceived expectations on my life. It became a downward cycle of working so hard, out of fear that I would not meat the expectations on me, thus becoming more sore, tired, drained, isolated, lonely, etc., thus becoming more threatened, which thus spurred me on to work even harder. I had no rest. I felt desperate for rest all the time, but never had rest.

Can you believe the bondage I was living in every day? As a child of God, even as an anointed minister, that has been my life. I knew it was wrong, but I couldn't see clearly enough to understand or explain why and how it was wrong.

Through sharing my life, my hidden heart, with older and wiser members of the body of Christ, God has healed my heart in a beautiful, miraculous, and yet completely simple way. He has revealed my root of pride - the kind of pride that drives one to work as if our works had anything to do with our value, our relationship with God, our salvation, or our anointing. I was constantly living my life according to human expectations instead of repenting of my pride, dying to self, and embracing the lovingkindness, mercy, and grace of my heavenly Father.

I was given the opportunity to humble myself, confess my sins before others, and repent. This was a powerful experience for me. The enemy had used pride to bind my mouth. What was kept in darkness was able to have power in my life, bind me, and torment me. Now it is in the light and God has poured his healing balm over me.

My life is new and different. It's hard to describe. I have rest. I am no longer bound to human expectations of me (whether real or preceived), but I am enraptured with my God, all three in one. I am content to sit and be still all day long, just sitting in His presence, in fact I long for it. I am beginning to feel my life slip away from under me as I lose myself in Christ. I'm afraid, but I have peace. I am finally beginning to understand the Lord as my refuge...

Thank you for your patience as this is ridiculously long. I will likely post more thoughts out of this experience in the future. Thank you for your prayers.

Husbans jobs.

2006-09-04T17:25:00.000-04:00

So, I'm having some trouble.

I'm home alone today, while Lynn is at work. I had an intense GP (game plan) of things I wanted to accomplish around the apartment on my day off and while Lynn was gone. One of these things is laundry, changing sheets, etc. As I was driving Lynn to work this morning, though, I realized, "Oh no! Lynn, I forgot to get you to solve the fly infestation problem on our porch so I can do laundry!"

Background Info: Off our kitchen, we have an adorable little porch in which our dryer sits. The washer is in the kitchen (though cleverly disguised and hardly a hindrance to the overall "kitchen" atmosphere). Above the kitchen sink is a window that looks out into the little porch, in which is a larger window that looks out into our beautiful backyard. The past week or so, I have been having growing anxiety concerning the increasing number of flies crawling around on the window pane in the porch.

Lynn responded to my "angst" by saying, "Just remember you're a pioneer and you'll be fine." - which alludes to principle my sister and I grew up with: We're pioneers and thus can undergo any degree of difficulty with much pride and stubbornness.

I said, "Oh yeah. I am a pioneer! Okay, I'll take care of it."

So, my afternoon continues, and I clean, cook, organize, etc. I come to the point where I realize I am completely avoiding having to go into that porch. My GP is at stake! I must accomplish some laundry! Okay, so I tell myself, I'm just going to finish this task and then I'll go do it. I'll turn on the vaccuum and suck up all the flies! Then I won't have to kill them directly and have fly carcass all over everything.

As time goes by, I'm building up my courage by getting angry at the flies. I know the time is drawing near and I have to prove myself to be a pioneer like I said. So, I go out into the porch. The sound alone makes me feel sick. I turn on the vaccuum and start sucking. I'm going after like 30 flies in this little porch and they're all trying to escape the black sucking whole. Inside I'm cringing and all thought of pioneer-hood have vanished. I finally get all the ones that are still living and not stuck in spider webs. Then I realize - Oh no. This didn't kill them. They're just in there crawling around! I try to take the nozzle off the hose and all these flies start coming out! I can see them crawling out the bottom and coming out the openeing where the hose goes into. Finally I drop the hose, leave the room, close and lock the door. All laundry is forsaken and the GP has been compromised; but my pride is not shaken. I am just more resolved than ever that this is meant to be a husband job.

So there the vaccuum lies, covered in flies, in the middle of the porch, awaiting my husband's return, when I will point with my head held high and leave him to his duty.

Restitution.

2006-08-31T16:56:00.000-04:00

Well, I would like to make a public declaration concerning my previous post, "Balatantly crude pick up lines". Though no one else deemed it necessary, my own conscience must be satisfied :)

The man who delivered this pick up line, which apparently is not blatant or crude :), is actually a very kind man who did not mean any harm whatsoever. I admit to being slightly naive and ignorant concerning such things, and also prone to find humor in inconsequential events. I likely got carried away in the recounting of the story and my own husbands endearingly vicious response :)

So, the blatantly crude pick up line, in reality, is reduced to a mildly strange comment made by a dear, but slightly strange man, in the context of a rather boring day.

Once again, my imagination got the best of me.

Blatantly crude pick up lines.

2006-08-30T12:06:00.000-04:00

I debated whether or not this was appropriate to write on my blog...but since Lynn brought it up...

Never in my life have I experienced a more blatantly crude pick up line! Most of my life has been lived within a nice little church bubble, where most men/boys, whether pure or not, are at least socialized into "appropriate church behavior" which typically rules out the category of blatantly crude pick up lines.

To my surprise, however, after all of these years, I did not have to leave my little church bubble in order to experience such a "high complement" from a strange man. Instead, I was standing right outside my church office door with a beautiful friend of mine, when a man I have never seen before starts walking in the building. He noticed us right away and sort of slowed down, turning toward us with that "smoozy salesmen" type grin as if he came to the chruch with the sole intention of seeing my beautiful friend and I.

As he stood there grinning at us, I grew increasinly uncomfortable (not knowing if he was a pagan off the street or a regular church attender...).
Then I did it...I set myself up.

"Can I help you?" I said.
He said, again with the "smoozy salesmen" grin, and that particular kind of head nodding that only the proud few can master, expressing his happy feelings for coming across such good fortune - "You can help me anytime."

This poor man is more than likely a very friendly believer who meant no harm whatsoever. Within our short conversation, I discovered that he actually had planned on helping Lynn and I move in when we arrived to Presque Isle in May. Unfortunately, something else had come up.

The moral of this story: The gospel is for sinners and sometimes one might experience such offensively pagan behavior within the church walls as a blatantly crude pick up line! Well, bless them, Lord!

As we love ourselves.3

2006-08-25T10:05:00.000-04:00

We've recognized several hindrances to knowing and receiving the full measure of God's love. But how does Romans 8:38-39 fit into this?

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

I used to read this and think, "That's all well and good, but it sure doesn't feel true!"

Perhaps, though, it is a message of hope! Even though so many hindrances get in the way of us knowing and receiving God's love, the ultimate hindrance is the deception of the enemy that those hindrances have any real power to separate us from him! Like Ang said, a veil needs to be lifted from our eyes to see the reality of Psalm 139:

Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there...
For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb...
My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.
How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them!
Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake, I am still with you.

We so often think God's love for us is conditional based upon the works we do. But read again the second line: if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.

Somehow, this challenges my theology. Hell is a place of death because it is separate from God; yet even hell cannot seperate us from His love!

Because God is our Creator and we are made in His image, we are intricately woven together in His love and no matter what, will never be separated from it! Wow! Praise His name!

God has been so patient with me as I try desperately to understand and know the simplest and most profound of all spiritual truths: Jesus loves me!

As we love ourselves.2b

2006-08-23T17:34:00.000-04:00

For the non-readers:

If loving others directly correlates with the measure of love we receive into our hearts from God, what do you think are factors that keep us from receiving the full measure of God's love for us?

As we love ourselves.2

2006-08-23T17:02:00.000-04:00

Okay, so my last post was a little much to take in. Please stay with me; I'd love to hear some dialogue.

Basically, in too many words, it's been established that how we experience God's love is directly correlated with how we love others. Our limited minds and experiences limit our understanding/knowing of the vast, uncomprehensively large and consistent love of God. Because of our limitations in knowing and receiveing His love for us, we have limited love to offer to others. If we are still hungry and in need of love ourselves, how can we have an abundance to overflow on to those around us?

So, before we can truly learn how to love others, we have to learn to receive God's satiating love for us! What do you think? Have we truly received God's love? Will we ever be full of His limitless love? Certanly we can't touch the vastness of it; but can our poor and needy spirits be satisfied to the point of true overflow?

Elizabeth suggested that the intellectual knowledge of Christ as opposed to the personal heart transforming relationship is one way that we can limit our experience of receiveing God's love.
She said, "If I have a lot of head knowlege about Christ, and understand intellectually about the cross, but have not experienced the Person of Christ, how can I get beyond comprehending His grace and love to the point where I can actually receive it? His grace and sufficient love make no sense, right? And so, if I'm caught up in an intellectual battle of trying to "get it", I may be blind to the veil that still separates me from it. "

What do you think? What else separates us from receiving the vast, limitless, all-sufficient love of God?

As we love ourselves.1

2006-08-20T20:40:00.000-04:00

It seems "as we love ourselves" directly correlates with how we love others.

We also know that our love for God is directly correlated with His love for us. "We love Him because He first loved us." So, our love for Him is a response based on the love we acknowledge and receive from Him.

Is it also possible that "as we love ourselves" ultimately refers to the measure (if any) of God's love we receive into our hearts/lives?

For example:
1. God's love is unconditional.
2. Yet, I continue to hold myself to a certain standard of performance.
3. Thus, I subconcsiously hold others to a certain standard of performance, keeping myself and others bound up in unforgiveness and shame - both of which the cross (expression of God's unconditional love) is meant to set us free from. (more on this later)

1. God's grace is sufficient for salvation and empowerment.
2. Yet, I rely on my own strength, works, personality, talents, and gifts to get through life.
3. So, I don't allow God's grace to be sufficient for someone else either and project on them the same requirements I've placed on myself. (God's grace is sufficient, but I must live according to my religiously standardized culture; thus, a new believer is saved by grace, but must also look and act a certain way according to our religious cutlure.)

Perhaps the measure with which we refuse God's love and grace in our lives is ultimately projected on those around us.

The ultimate result is that we are left still hungering after God's love; we continue projecting that insufficiency on others in our world of influence; we communicate to the world that God isn't really all-sufficient and doesn't really love people unconditionally; and all the while the enemy is having a field day because we're leaving a huge door open to him for deception.

Don't you think that if our love is a response to God first loving us, and if God asked us to love Him with all our heart, soul, mind, and strength, that God's love for us would flow from the entirety of his being (His heart, soul, mind, and strength)? If His love came first, and out of His love, ours is birthed, would it be less than that of which he's required of us?

No! So why not take him at his Word, shut the door of deception, and finally be a light to the world, reflecting the true, undying, all-sufficient love of God?

A life changed.

2006-08-16T11:50:00.000-04:00

For the past several years, I have wrestled with the primary focus of the church being evangelism. Now before you call me a blasphemer, hear me out.

So many leaders in our church go on and on about lost people and the need to evangelize. We stand on the strong heritage of impassioned evangelists, and that is a positive thing! Yet, it became apparent to me that many impassioned evangelists today have reversed the order of the two greatest commandments. Though they would never admit it, in their heart, loving others started taking precedence over loving God. The focus became "seeker friendly" instead of God-honoring, outreach/program oriented instead of adoring-Jesus oriented. My heart grieves over churches that work, work, work for the kingdom, but do not know the reality of the kingdom of God living in their hearts. Yes, they may be saved, but they are still walking around in their grave clothes instead of the rich robes God has been waiting to cloth them with.
See and study Zechariah 3.

Because I saw these things happening in the church, I decided it was futile for me to try to love others in my own strength until that love was a direct overflow of my love for God and experiencing his love for me. So, as people admonished me to evangelize, instead, I persued the Lord. What good am I going to be to evangelize if I don't have the overflowing of God's love in my life?

I am writing all of this to tell you that my heart is changing. As I have pursued the Lord and more of my self has died so that Christ lives in me, as I have repented and submitted under his merciful hand and experienced the love of forgiveness and compassion, as my heart has been softened and broken and then renewed in the love of God, my heart has begun to overflow for the lost, the poor, the needy, the broken, the rejected, the burdened, the lonely, and the hungry. I didn't have to try, but naturally, I am becomong overtaken by a deep terrifying burden for these little ones (not little in age, but in anything). As Jesus said to Peter, "Do you love me? ...then feed my sheep", I find myself saturated with the call to be Jesus in a broken world.

Jesus calls us to live in Him, loving Him with all our heart, soul mind, and strength; and then move in Him, loving others as we love oursleves. This phrase "as we love ourselves" will be a later post as a continuation of this ridiculously long one.

In the meantime, what are you comments?

An example to follow.

2006-08-15T08:14:00.000-04:00

The more I grow in the Lord so that I am crucified with Christ, and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me, the more I feel the Spirit within me moan and grieve for the poor. It's starting to really bother me when churches do not exist to minister to the poor and needy. I'm not becoming a social activist or anything, but I keep thinking of Mother Thereasa. The whole world watched her be Christ's hands and feet to the sick, poor, and needy. We all watched and said, "Wow, isn't that wonderful." But now she's gone and is no one else brave enough to follow in her footsteps? Are none of us really willing to throw our lives away for the continuation of Christ's ministry, to be his hands and feet?

I'm as guilty as anyone of wanting the comfortable life, of complaining about the "needy" people in our churches who seem to need more than we can give. Than why not let Christ be the one who lives through us so that we have an endless supply of love for all to go around? Christ's love is patient and kind. He loves people so sincerely, exactly as they are, with no secret agenda to change or convert them, so much so that he became one of them.

Ministry is such a frustrating thing, because sometimes, the very nature of it seems to go against who Christ was and is. Where are the Mother Thereasa's in our world today? Am I willing to be one of them?

Believe.

2006-08-10T14:03:00.000-04:00

It has been a long time since I've posted, but my heart is pondering many things.

What does one do with mountains that exist in their life for so long they become part of the scenery? What happens when others around try to tell you, "this is just the way it is"; or "it doesn't really get as good as you hope for it to be"; or "we all have to settle on some things in life".

Of course poeple don't actually say that, but it is inferred. It is the message they send in their avoidance or denial of the disappointment they feel, as they numb themselves within their daily routine. They say, "Don't dare hope for anything better or you'll be hurt again. It's better just to let be what will be."

I have some mountains in my life and I pray, and I cry out, and I hope, yet they don't move. Is there a problem with my faith? No, I don't believe so. Is there unconfessed sin? Not that I'm aware of. Is this just as good as it gets? NO!

Every fiber in my being cries out to the God of all hope - All things are possible for God! and All things are possible through Christ who strenghtens me! Those who hope in the Lord shall renew their strength! They wil soar with wings as eagles, run and not grow weary, walk and not faint!

I believe these truths and I know it is the destiny for those who are in Christ Jesus to hope in the Lord and see that hope fulfilled; to say to the mountain, "Move!" and watch it disappear.

But I have also learned that the mountain disappears because we see Jesus instead. The mountain doesn't move if we keep looking and waiting for it to move. But we see Jesus...We gaze into the eyes of the God of all power, love, and hope. We become enraptured by his love. And in love we act like Mary, throwing ourselves at His feet and cry, "Lord, if you were here, things wouldn't be this way!" (John 11:32, paraphrase).

When all things fade away, these three remain: faith, hope, and love, but the greatest of these is love.

It's the revealed love of God (personally revealed) that keeps us from settling for anything less than absolute joy and fulfillment, freedom and strength, found in the Lord, who says, "I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in me will live, even though he dies; and whoever lives and believes in me will never die. Do you believe this?" (John 11:25-26)

More thoughts on the complexities of Lynn...

2006-08-04T11:44:00.000-04:00

One of my favorite things about marriage is falling in love. I don't mean for the first time to my true love blah blah blah. I mean over and over and over again as I truly get to know the man God has placed in my heart as a precious gift.

I love to tease Lynn because he has a ridiculous amount of mental energy that displays itself in the most delightful ways! He sometimes talks incessantly; other times he rocks so hard in our 70's red, living room chair that I get sea sick; sometimes he expresses it through creativity in cooking, etc.; other times he pours it out through his fingers on the piano.

Other times, though, when he doesn't have any other immediate outlet for expressing such intense mental energy, he becomes...hyper Lynn! and when he's hyper Lynn, he's clingy husband!!!

As if Lynn didn't have enough energy as it is! When he's hyper, all hope is lost. So much for house work, homework, quiet time, etc. There is no hope for the obsessivly goal oriented wife to accomplish a single thing on her mental To Do List. Neither is there hope for protecting any kind of personal space a person naturally has!

Instead, all I can do is sit back and delight in the incredibly wonderful, unique, adorable, quorky, handsome, energetic, sanguine of a husband, who never ceases to amaze me, or knock my socks off.

I love every minute of it.

A quote to ponder.

2006-08-01T20:34:00.000-04:00

It is fatherlike love that awakens childlike trust.
- Andrew Murray

Anticipation...

2006-08-01T17:56:00.000-04:00

I am reflecting on the title of my blog.

I chose "Refuge" because I knew God was calling me into a more intimate relationship with him that reflects Psalm 91:1-2 - "He who dwells in the secret place of the Most High God shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of my God He is my refuge and my fortress, my God in Him I will trust."

The description, "Resting in the high tower of His name" came from a few different places. "Resting" comes from my limited (thus far) study of Hebrews 3-4. God is calling me to deeper rest that I am longing for and seem to get closer and closer to every day. Disobedience and unbelief are the two things that keep us from entering into God's rest; but He clearly says that those that are in Him are in His rest and cease from works. There is such rich meaning in this passage! Ceasing from works resonated with the Hebrews because of their Jewish law regarding the Sabbath Day. But, here, the author is referring to a greater rest that is freedom from the Law and total abandonment of one's life or work.

"In the high tower of His name" comes from a sermon by Graham Cook the Rhynos gave Lynn and I. We basically have it memorized, we've listened to it so much. One of the many favorite lines says, "...the enemy would come looking for you, but wouldn't find you because you would be lost in the high tower of his name." (possibly not exact wording...)

Imagine! Imagine the rest and peace to be found in the Lord as our refuge! Imagine the safety and security of dwelling in the secret place of the Most High God with every side built up of truth: He is Provider; He is Protector; He is Lover; He is Savior; He is all powerful; He is all knowing; Nothing is impossible for God! And you are so fufilled in Him, lost in Him, that the enemy can't even find you. There is no room for any foothold or lie or deceipt. You have saturated yourself in the Presence of the Most High God and thus are sheltered under the shadow of His wings.

Some of you don't have to imagine that because you live it day by day. I am getting there, but am not there yet. I am okay with that because this is my journey and I can share it with all of you who read. But I know that that is my destination...my destiny. My God is leading me there...to a place where I have totally lost myself to Him and have bcome saturated, dripping, lavished, swimming in the presence of the Most High God.

I'm on my way and can hardly stand the excitement!!!

I'm a case.

2006-07-28T20:22:00.000-04:00

Why is it that I never have a day when the deepest thought that comes acorss my mind is, "Why do toilet paper companies exist that supply public washrooms with such cheap toilet paper that you can see your reflection through it?"

Even then, my mind continues: "Don't they realize toilet paper has to absorb a certain amount of liquid? Does it really save money when you end up having to use ten times more toilet paper just so you don't get "it" on your hands? Honestly what is the purpose in all of this. You can't even pull it off the roll without it ripping in the wrong place and usually into tiny pices that just end up on the floor. God is obviously calling me to take over the toilet paper industry and whip it into shape."

So many days go by when I wonder what in heaven was God thinking when he formed me? He knit me in my mother's womb and formed my inmost parts. Is it possible He got a phone call when it came to forming my brain? Honestly, I'm a case.

Where we live.

2006-07-28T08:41:00.000-04:00

You know, life is very interesting lived in a funeral home.

Yes, it is true; Lynn and I live in a funeral home...well on top of one anyway.

We have not often been home during a "viewing", but when we are, it's the strangest thing to hear elevator music float up from below your bedroom floor...

Last night, it was late, and I was suffering from symptoms due to my unintentional overdose, when I could have sworn I heard a TV or radio on down below. I know it is an unpleasant thought, even just the mention of a funeral home alone is likely going to stir unfriendly feelings in some of you. But all I could picture was all the dead people who lie at rest in this funeral home, awaiting there blessed burial, congregating in front of the TV like on some old, black and white horror show.

I must acknowledge my growth, however, because a couple of months ago, that really would have freaked me out! But it was just like the funeral home director said when he showed us around in the middle of their preparation for a viewing..."Ah, they'll get used to it!"

Enough said.

2006-07-28T08:38:00.000-04:00

I have one thing to say:
Never overdose on fiber.

Brutally honest

2006-07-24T09:38:00.000-04:00

A very dear freind of mine just called and spoke a breeze of refreshment over my soul. I cannot tell you the love you expressed to me dear friend, but it was absolutely wonderful.

Many of you know me only as Natasha Erskine, but some of you would remember me from before as Natasha Currie. For most of my life, my name, my looks, my talents have felt like a curse. Over and over again I have hurt people I love just by being me. My closest friend and beloved sister hated herself because she felt big when I was thin; she had to work so hard for her grades and mine came easy; she had a beautiful voice, but people made a big deal about mine; our parents called me "the easy child" when she caused all the problems; my personality was quiet and gentle, while hers was loud and sometimes offensive. Somehow, without ever meaning to, I became some sort of perfect child.

Then I go to Bethany. I am not a PK or MK, or whatever, and I know many wrestle under the burden of expectation; but I seem to have been, for no reason, placed on an undeserved and unnecessary pedastal. I would try to make a friend, but more often than not, they would come to me and ask for forgiveness because they were jealous of me or something. The friendship didn't go anywhere after that either and I was left once again feeling lonely and isolated.

I am so tired of being held under such high expectations for no reason! As my dear friend said, "It is unfair that the people God placed in your life to encourage and build you up, instead are critical and tear you down. It's as if you are a celebrity and that gives people the right to sit back and judge you."

I long to be with someone with whom I can just be myself without pressure of expectations. I don't even know what that would feel like (much of that is my own fault!) Of course I can be myself with Lynn, but just by nature of marrying each other (because Lynn is amazingly wise and talented and treated the same way) we receive double the pressure to be a certain way and do certain things.

I am right now dealing with a root of pride in my life because of fear of failure. I feel judged and condemned because of it and I want to scream becuase time and time again, I am put under non-human expectations that I cannot meet and thus feel the brunt of dissappointing those I love and whom God has placed over me.

I know some of this is normal and can't be escaped, but I long for that small circle of friends, which I know is already starting to form, of people who can say, "Natasha, you are just a normal person! Whatever comes of you and Lynn, whether you're well-known or not, I will tell you that you're an idiot when you're being one; I will confront your sin and areas of weakness with love and honesty; and I will give you the freedom to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, until the day of Christ Jesus."

Something light for a change...

2006-07-20T20:18:00.000-04:00

This post is for Mark Brewer:

I was in a particular meeting today with a man I will refer to as jim. We were disuccing rather serious topics, not overly serious, but professionally serious topics. There was a prayer offered and the meeting began, though I was having a very difficult time focusing on what was being said. I was becoming aggravated and increasingly distracted because this man would not stop rubbing his eyes! Everything in me wanted to yell, "Stop lusting after you eyes!"

I did not yell at this poor man who did eventually stop rubbing his eyes (though unfortunately he continued in even stranger bodily movements and shiftings...). And though I missed a large portion of what was being discussed in the meeting, and will likely be asked about it sometime in the near future with nothing to offer but a blank stare, I smiled to myself because there is another man in this world who lusts after his eyes :) Mark, you are not alone.

A fresh perspective.

2006-07-20T19:54:00.000-04:00

It's amazing to look back at my posts over the past couple of months. God has been weaving his plan in such a way that any of you who track my journey can testify to the glory and faithfulness of God.

Yesterday, as already expressed, something dramatic happened in my life. Certain people involved had different perspectives on what had actually taken place, so there was some confusion concerning the theology of it all. Though I am not concerned with the those details, because my heart and life testify on their own to the work of grace in my life, I do believe in edifying the body and glorifying God through testimony. I think it is safe to say at this point that certain fears and hurts resting deep within my soul left me longing after something that was already mine. I needed love and acceptance and continued to define myself according to whether or not I received that from other people. I kept waiting and asking (inwardly) for someone to take me in and give me rest. But I felt continually rejected and alone, without a home.

Yesterday, God dealt with a deep rooted issue that removed the need in my life for acceptance of other people. He took my hurt and rejection and replaced it with divine sonship and Father-child intimacy. He fulfilled the promise he stirred in my heart from Hosea 2:19-20 (a previous post); he also fulfilled my longing to just be and sit at his feet, marveling like Mary (two previous posts); he took away my shame and gave me a place of honor as His beloved bride.

What a God we serve!

My refuge.

2006-07-19T20:31:00.000-04:00

Well, I have been on quite a journey.

Today something happened that I don't know how to explain. All I know is that I woke up this morning knowing that this was my day. It was time. For what exactly I couldn't have described, but I knew in my heart what needed to be done.

God met me today at a very great point of need. After a week of turmoil like I've never known, and a morning of pouring out my heart to a few trusted friends, I thought everything was fine. Then I walked into Doug's office and, for about two hours, gripped my chair with all my might in order to keep myself from bolting from the room (not an exageration!). I was made completely vulnerable in front of a peer, an authority figure, and someone I've looked up to for years. My body was so tense I am literally exhausted as I write this. I was - in the most positive sense possible - humiliated. We prayerd, and I walked out...different...joyful...new...

I can't explain what happened any better than that (at least for now). But I also know that it was just barely the beginning. For those of you who understand this: that wasn't even my spiritual cleansing! Oh dear...

Please keep praying for me. I already feel the attacks of the enemy and I do not have a good track record of standing in truth against deception and discouragement. But I can't help but trust Him and know that He is faithful. He has delivered me before and kept me time and time again. I will dwell in Him - in spirit and in truth - as He is after all my refuge.

Psalm 91.

Teach me to pray.

2006-07-17T12:52:00.000-04:00

"Of all the promises connected to the command, 'Abide in Me,' there is none higher, and none that sooner brings the confession, 'Not that I have already attained, or am already made perfect,' than this: 'If ye abide in me, ask whatsoever ye will, and it shall be done unto you.'"
(Andrew Murray in "With Christ in the School of Prayer")

Pastor Rick has given Julia and I an assignment to spend an hour every day reading this book by Andrew Murray as a discipline called Lectio Divina (a slow, contemplative praying while reading). It is amazing to take time and really reflect on the power of God in prayer. Jesus taught us to pray his kingdom into fulfillment on earth as it is heaven. He said, "Ask whatsoever ye will, and it shall be given unto you." He said pray believeing you have you have received it and surely it will be given unto you." He said "knock and the door will be opened; seek and you shall find; ask and you shall receive." What makes us shy away from such a life of power? Is it because it demands our full surrender to His will? Or requires our full assurance of faith? Or requires a perseverance and boldness that is not worth our time and energy? Or requires a undying love for God and others that surpasses anything in th natural, the comfortable, and the temporal world?

God help me as I embark on this journey of learning how to pray and intercede along with Jesus, as He intercedes on behalf of his people and prays to bring his kingdom into fulfillment.

"May God open our eyes to see what the holy ministry of intercession is to which, as His Royal Priesthood, we have been set apart. May He give us a large and strong heart to believe what mighty influence our prayers can exert. And may all fear as to our being able to fulfill our vocation vanish as we see Jesus, living ever to pray, living in us to pray, and standing surety for our prayer-life."
(Andrew Murray in "With Christ in the School the School of Prayer")

Dedication to Destiny

2006-07-09T20:54:00.000-04:00

This is my neice, Destiny.

So many of my friends and loved ones have recently conceived or given birth. I am thrilled and rejoice with them every step of the way!!! Though I do not have any news to share, and don't expect to for some time, I am currently living vicariously through my wonderful sister, loving my neice: Destiny Dawn Emmerson.

My completely fabulous neice is full of life and pizazz, not unlike her mother and father :) She radiates with joy and is the life any party (except for her first b-day party when she claimed the right of that old song, "It's my pary and I can cry if I want to!").

She oozes with personality and charm, exhibits a high level of intelligence and wit, and already exemplifys her mothers unique regality (elegance, strength, and royalty persona).

Johnny and Melissa, though I literally thought the world would explode when the two of you became one :), I must admit, you bred well!

Loves much.

2006-07-07T06:53:00.000-04:00

I think I am finally starting to understand the truth behind the verse, "He who is forgiven much, loves much, and he who is forgiven little, loves little."

Another quote from Steve DeNeff's book says, "All sinners must come to believe they have grace in their future. So those in the second chair [those who grew up in the church, the 'saints'] must believe they have sin, real sin, in their past. For this reason, we must be willing to label self-righteousness as sin...We must repent of our tendency to turn grace into law by measuring our spirituality according to rules kept, disciplines practiced, or sins avoided, or according to reputation alone."

God is peeling back layers of my heart to reveal an inconsisteny. How much of what I have done has been motivated by a pure love for God? Or how much of what I have done has been self-serving, whether in reputaion, in good feelings, etc. The problem with growing up in the church is that we don't know we are sinners because we look the sme as everyone else on the outside.

I used to read the above verse and contemplate the meaning: does that mean I won't be able to love God more than a person who has been saved from adultury, etc.? Little did I know, I was measuring sin by the wrong stick. I am just as wretched as any sinner; I just couldn't tell because I was wearing a caunterfiet robe of righteousness.

God is now revealing the dreadful nature of my heart and has encouraged me with the promise of Hosea 2:19-20 (a previous post), as well as the truth that his motivation for breaking me is to cleanse and forgive me that I might where his righteousness and walk in intimacy with him, being governed by true love in all that I do. For when I was forgiven of little, I loved little. But as I am forgiven for much, I will love much!

Just be.

2006-07-05T21:56:00.000-04:00

Firstly, I have to say, I am sorry for the extended period of neglect. I am still here :)

I have been contemplating the reality of an environment that revolves around being instead of doing.

All of my life, I have said, "I am a Christian." I have served in numerous ministries, led Bible studies, attended Bible school, proclaimed God's truth, led worship, etc. All the while I have been encouraged to "keep serving the Lord" and do more for the kingdom.

Now, however, I am in a place of ministry where being is encouraged above doing. All of a sudden, garbage that I never knew existed as part of who I am crept to the surface. I could no longer hide behind the great things that I was doing for the kingdom. I now realize that all the while I was doing these great things, I was working in order to be. I was doing His work in order that I might be His. However, God's design is that I be His in order that I might then do His work.

In "More Than Forgiveness," Steve DeNeff writes of sin as "desire". He claims there are two kinds of sinners, those who act like sinners and those who act like saints. "One kind does whatever he wants while the other one does what he thinks he should, but underneath they both want the same things."

This is very convicting to me, because it inferrs that those who are truly converted, and are no longer in sin (1 John), don't have to try to be, they just are. They don't have to try to obey the law, they just delight in pleasing God. They don't have to try to enter into His rest, they just are in His rest. They don't have to try to trust Him, they just know Him as trustworthy. It's their heart that's changed (literally made new), not their actions.

I don't know where I am in all of this, but I do know that I'm tired of doing and trying to be. I long to just be.

Lynn = ridiculous combination of genes :)

2006-06-26T22:29:00.000-04:00

I am baffled.

Lynn has lived in our current part of the world for seven years now (generally speaking). However, we are quite a distance from his childhood home. Thus, it is understandable that we have seen very little of his family over the span of our relationship.

I am very excited to announce, though, that for the first time ever, in our little temporary apartment (which isn't really all that little), we are hosting Mom and Ron Bennett, Lynn's Mom and Step-Dad.

We went to a restaurant for supper this evening, and I was unprepared for the realization that dawned during our extended and interestingly convoluted conversations: Lynn is so much like his mother!!! Honestly, I had no idea. My husband makes so much more sense now that I can attribute certain traits to his extremely talented, 'larger than life', genius of a Dad and his also talented, fully dynamic, rabit-trail-minded Mom.

What in heaven's name have I gotten myself into!!! :)

The unfortunates of technology

2006-06-24T21:38:00.000-04:00

Well, I am a woman who likes to be prepared. I like to know what I'm getting into and be ready for anything that might come my way so I don't get caught off guard.

Obviously, this is not convenient for a Spirit-filled life.

I started my internship one week ago and my laptop "blew up" (not really, but has a serious electrical problem and was smoking...); the internet in our home went; then, after I transferred all of my intern work over to Julia's computer, her desktop decided to forget it had a hard drive! This, in combination with other events and situations, has made for a chaotic scramble in trying to accomplish intern work, keep a schedule at the church, etc.

So, I have no idea what tomorrow holds, how I am going to get my work done, or when Julia and I will have the comfort and consistency of a functioning computer (if such a thing does exist). However, I too "have learned [am learning] the secret to be content in all circumstances."

So, praise the Lord for the unfortunates of technology!

A Warrior Princess!

2006-06-22T07:03:00.000-04:00

In just a couple of days I have moved from feeling empowered to feeling overwhelmed with discouragement! Certain situations have taken me off guard and the enemy would have me believe that God is not coming through for me like he promised. However, I know in truth, it just means my plan was different from the Lord's and I must submit to His will!!

God is teaching me about consistency in this. He brought me the account of the Fall in Genesis 3 and helped me see how Satan came to Eve and challenged the nature of who God is. He offered a new perspective that was alternate to the truth of who God is and thus, her discernment was off. She began to desire something that was false because she was seeing through a wrong perspective of who God is - basically deception.

God also took me to Psalm 138:1 - "I will praise you with my whole heart; before the gods I will sing praises to you." This may seem unrelated, but I believe the Lord connected both of these passages to show me the enemy's work in distorting the truth, God, and how women (especially, not exclusively) can praise God as an offensive "before the gods". Essentially, to praise the Lord before all false versions of who he is, sets one's self in the perspective of truth and mocks the enemy. That man can declare the glory of God, revelling in the truth of who is, and against all odds, reflect his very image, brings such shame and defeat to the enemy that he runs and hides from the glory of God's presence being made manifest!

So, I have learned that when you feel discouraged, let not your perspective of who God is be altered but praise his name, declare his glory, and defeat the enemy so that you might not fall into sin, no doubt bringing others with you!

Note: This goes along with Elizabeth Rhyno's post about the armor of God (Ephesians 6). No warrior goes around on the battle field without his armor!

Like Mary, I marvel.

2006-06-18T22:13:00.000-04:00

I have just experienced my first weekend as an intern :).

I am almost overwhelmed with the sovereignty of God as I reflect on how the Lord has prepared me for such a time as this. Just one month ago, I was full of pride and fear, insecurity and doubt. Yet now, here I am, the closest thing to a "pastor" I have yet to experience, and I have been humbled, broken, and empowered with a fresh anointing to fulfill his will in my life. So much of my inner angst has been completely removed and replaced with the blessed assurance that he is with me. So much of my confusion has been lifted and replaced with the calming breeze of his continuous voice.

I sit and I marvel at the sovereignty, the faithfulness, the patience, the mercy...

...I marvel at the revealed, life-changing person of Jesus Christ who has fulfilled his prophecy from Hosea 2:19-20 and has made himslef known to me.

As I ponder...

2006-06-17T10:58:00.000-04:00

I am anxiously awaiting the Saturday night service at our church tonight becuase I am officially starting my internship as I and Julia will be introduced to the congregation.

I have mixed emotions as I approach my internship: overwhelming anticipation and excitement, along with fear and trepidation!

I am plagued with the realization that I must now live my life completely beyond myself (though I should have been doing that all along...). I have no power, skills, nor abilities in and of myself to do ministry. It is by grace that we are saved; it is by the Spirit that we are ministered to; it is by the power of the Spirit that we do spiritual warfare; it is by the Spirit that we worship; and so on.

Oh God, may I die to myself every day, that your kingdom might come and your will be done on earth as it is in heaven. May I be weak, for then I am strong; may I be foolish, for then I will be wise; may I be wretched, for then I will be righteous. In the spirit of John the Baptist, I pray, "You must increase and I must decrease, Lord."

Discouragement

2006-06-16T09:54:00.000-04:00

This post is dedicated to a particular friend who will remain nameless, but will recognize this as for her...

This morning I woke up and sat looking out of our beautiful living room window with my Bible in hand and my heart, mind, and body heavy. I was trying to seek the Lord in prayer and in his Word, but I felt as though God had removed his presence from me. I started thinking of cliches (that certainly do hold truth in them) like, "If God feels far away, It was not him who moved, it was you." I know I have growth in so many areas, so I began assuming sin existed somewhere in my life and was separating me from God. I sought the Lord in this regard for some time and then found myself praying, "Lord, I feel so drained and heavy. I just want to be empowered in my relationship with you with energy to serve you."

Suddenly, a profound truth I learned from Beth Moore came back to me. She taught about the difference between brokenness and false brokenness in believers. She said true brokennes has an empowerement to it that launches you into growth and intimacy with the Lord. False brokenness, however, is when you feel like you can't do anything and find yourself sitting on the couch all day, discouraged. This "brokenness" is actualually demoralization. It's when the enemy discovers your worst fears about yourself and sets himself about convincing you that those fears are true. If your worst fear is being a bad mother, than the enemy will set about convincing you that you are bad mother. If your worst fear is being a disappointment, then the enemy will set himself about convincing you that you are a disappointment.

As I remebered this, the Lord brought his truth from yesterday back to my mind. My relationship with him is not dependent upon my own righteousness. Rather it is rooted in His righteousness, justice, lovingkindness, mercy, and faithfulness. Therefore I will trust in him and he will deliver me from "the trap the enemy has laid for me" (Psalm 31:4).

Praise the Lord!

Hosea 2:19-20

2006-06-15T12:44:00.000-04:00

I've recently listened to a sermon by Pastor Rick Kavanaugh called "The Spirit of Religion". The spirit of religion is basically the deadness of Chrisianity, which is not really Christianity at all. It is the legalism that binds instead of the Spirit that sets free. It is the fear of man and failure instead of the fear of God. It is life lived in a cage of false godliness intead of a relationship where one lives in and with God. I sought the Lord in this area and found that I too was in bondage in this way.

Hosea 2:19-20 says, "I will betroth you to me forever. I will betroth you to me in righteousness and justice, in lovingkindness and in mercy. I will betroth you to me in faithfulness, and you shall know the Lord." God is launching me into an intimacy with him that has no bounds. It has no strings attached, no shame or fear - perfect love really does cast out all fear. It is a relationship that is firmly rooted in His righteousness, not mine. It is rooted in justice because the blood of Jesus removes my iniquity that I may approach the throne of grace boldly, with confidence. It is rooted in lovingkindness for God is love and love is kind. The spirit of religion marrs God's goodness and perceives God as a lofty and critical spirit. But God is good, he is Father, and his love endures forever. This intimate relationship is also rooted in mercy. I can not attain this intimacy with the Lord on my own merit. Rather it is by grace that we are saved.

Last but not least, this intimate relationship is rooted in faitfulness. The whole book of Hosea depicts the covenant relationship we have with the Lord. It is a marriage relationship rooted in each lover being faithful to the other. This naturally flows into the last line that says, "and you shall know the Lord." Being faithful to the Lord goes much deeper than observing his commands in obedience, discipline, and sacrifice. Scripture is very clear that those three alone are not enough to please the Lord. What he longs for in a lover is one who will be faithful in loving him above all other lovers, one who will love him with all their heart, soul, mind, and strength. And then, you shall know the Lord, deeply and intimately, as husband and wife, Bridegroom and bride. Do not settle for anything less my dear brothers and sisters in the Lord.

The beginning.

2006-06-13T17:41:00.000-04:00

I am not one to sit in front of a screen for more than any required amount of time. However, I have spent the day home alone, resting in the Lord, and was draw to read Lynn's blog. I am embarrassed to acknowledge that I do not usually read my husband's blog and I have missed out. Though he regularly talks my ears off about any number of topics, there is something different about sharing your thougts on a personalized blog that is designed to accomodate the experssion of your unique, individual thoughts and feelings.

I love you, beloved husband, and am proud to share in the many thoughts and insights you receive as you live life with the Lord. I, too, am now beginning.