Farewell

Hello my blogger friends.

I am writing this post to inform all of you (...the one person who might still be checking this blog!) that I will be terminating it in the near future. When necessary I will post on my husband's blog, www.erskinesblog.blogspot.com.

Thanks for giving me an outlet during my internship!

Thoughts...

I loved Liz's question about Santa. Issues like that just remind me of the fact that Christians are foreigners here. We live a daily cross-cultural experience because of our faith and our heavenly calling. Sometimes I strongly dislike this intermediate state :)

Do you ever find it hard to balance focusing your attention on Christ and still being apart of this fallen world and fallen relationships. I find that hard. Sometimes I wonder if Christians resign themselves to the thought that we always need to give more attention to the Lord, so it's okay to give attention to other things under the understanding that we're all growing. I tend to do the opposite. I tend to focus too much attention on the Lord so that I miss out on what He's doing around me. Actually, the attention is not really focused on the Lord (because I don't think you can ever do that too much) but it's on me and my end of the relationship.

I am slowly realizing just how destructive my perfectionistic tendencies are. In my relationship with the Lord, others, and in everything I do, I face the fear of what people are going to think of me, how I'm going to do, whether or not I'm going to be accepted. Someone somewhere might suggest that this is very noble that I would be concerned about pleasing the ones I love. However, it's not noble at all. It's downright selfish, self-centered, and prideful.

I am stumbling along in this journey of learning to walk by faith and not by sight. I am reminded of Jeremiah 1, and wonder if he struggled with the same thing:

"Do not say, 'I am a youth,' for you shall go to all whom I send you, and whatever I comand you, you shall speak. Do not be afraid of their faces, for I am with you to deliver you," says the Lord. (v. 7-8)

"Therefore prepare yourself and arise, and speak to them all that I command you. Do not be dismayed before their faces, lest I dismay you before them." (v. 17)

The solution to fear of man is always fear of God. If I fear God I will obey no matter what anyone thinks!

Isaiah 43

1 But now, thus says the LORD, who created you, O Jacob,
And He who formed you, O Israel:

“ Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
I have called you by your name;
You are Mine.
2 When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
And through the rivers, they shall not overflow you.
When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned,
Nor shall the flame scorch you...

18 “ Do not remember the former things,
Nor consider the things of old.
19 Behold, I will do a new thing,
Now it shall spring forth;
Shall you not know it?
I will even make a road in the wilderness
And rivers in the desert...
Because I give waters in the wilderness
And rivers in the desert,
To give drink to My people, My chosen.
20 The beast of the field will honor Me,
The jackals and the ostriches,
Because I give waters in the wilderness
And rivers in the desert,
To give drink to My people, My chosen.

21 This people I have formed for Myself;
They shall declare My praise.

Spirit of the living God, fall fresh on me!

Jesus, here I sit. Who can explain the wonder of Your Spirit? Who can describe Your unfailing love and ministering compassion?

I long to climb to the rooftops, run through the streets as the Samaritan woman and say, "He knew everything in my heart, in my life, and He has forgiven me! He has given me Living water to drink that I might never thirst again! He is the Christ, the One true God, my Savior! And He lives! He lives in my heart and in my life!"

Jesus, who can explain the work you have done in my heart? You have awakened my spirit; you have called me forth to know You! You have hidden all the mysteries of Your nature in my heart and all the wisdom of Your Spirit. You are welling up within me a fountain of Living water. I live because You live in me. I am a witness of Your grace, of your mercy, of your love, and of your power. I cannot contain the joy in my heart for you have anointed my head with oil and my cup is overflowing! You have fulfilled Your Word in my heart and broken me under Your truth, only to find that I am alive! I died, I was condemned by my wretchedness; yet you raised me agian unto new life in You! The wonders of your grace I cannot grasp. The love of Your heart I cannot contain. I am overwhelmed by You, oh God of all gods. You are my God and I am Yours. What God has brought together, let not man seperate! Neither death nor life, nor principalities of darkness, neither hights nor depths... nothing can seperate me from the love of God!

Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus! "Death could not hold the promise within - He lives!"

Jesus, you are alive in me today. My eyes are fixed on You and I am running into Your arms, chasing after Your Spirit. Lead me and guide me into mysteries no man can know. Satisfy me in Your love, Most High God. May Your living waters well up within me and overflow unto abundant life.

In Jesus Name!

Continued...

In clarification of my previous post, I would like to make a statement:

Religion is wonderful and even God's design; however, like the Law of the Old Testament, it can only point to Christ and lead to Life beyond the Law that is achieved by faith and faith alone. Religion in and of itself is not enough to contain God and all the mysteries of His nature. We must find our way even beyond religion in order to discover who we really are in Him and who He really is in us.


That's just what I think right now.

Discovering...

Too much of my life is swallowed up in religion.

I love the Church, and I love the fellowship of believers. I am not tired of church, of attending or ministering within the church. It's just that, I need more of my life that is not the Church. I need opportunities to see God in raw life.

I don't think a person can well discover who they are within the church. That has been my experience up to this point. We have long since created molds in the church that create in peoples mind a picture of what it means to be a Christian. But if we're doing that for them, and telling them what is right and what is wrong, what the Word says pleases God and what doesn't, how will people learn to really discover who they are in the Lord? And much more so, how will people learn to discover who the Lord really is?

God is Sovereign and so I choose to trust that He is in control of the Church. However, God chose long ago to give man dominion over the earth, and so, like it or not, we are "in control" of what the church does and is. We have shaped it into what it is today and how the world sees it it. Is it what God might have done on His own? Likely not. But He's chosen to work through us.

I'm not sure I am satisfied with the answers, "God is in control," or, "We'll just have to keep praying about it." They are both true, but still, every move of God for reform begins with the people recognizing that something is not okay and then being willing to step out and do something to change it, despite the consquences. And it's not a question of whether or not the Church needs reform, because it always does. But it is a question of how and when.

How and when is the Lord going to bring about reform to His Church and save us from our own home-spun predicament!?

Explanation: New

God has recently closed a chapter in my life. It didn't seem right to continue on my blog as it had been. God has made me new. I am excited about that. For once, that's all I have to say.

A mystery.

Okay, I can not believe the amount of computer problems I have experienced on my internship. It is absolutely ridiculous. I find myself once again in the back of the sanctuary, in the sound booth, on the tech computer in order to complete my homework.

Honestly, though, I love being back here when there's nothing else going on. I love to feel alone with my thoughts and captivated by the silence within these walls. So much has happened within these walls... I have been changed by the power of an invisible yet very present God within these walls... Of course no walls can contain the Lord or His work in our lives; but the awesome Presence in this room seems to linger throughout the week.

God is such a mystery. It's a mystery how Lynn and I are different people from when we came here 6 months ago. It's a mystery how we are leaving here to minister in Truro, the armpit of NS! It's a mystery how God uses men like Pastor Rick and the others who serve Him here. It's also a mystery how He chooses some and not others; yet all are considered equal in His eyes.

I am usually pondering something "deep in the depths" (as Lynn would say), and today it is this equality. How can I be chosen, but equal? I can't think I'm better than anyone because I'm called, but neither can I think I am worse because I'm called - though He does call the weakest and the least of the clan. But either of those mindsets lead to pride, because any nature of comparison to another is rooted in pride. It's a mystery to me how God can capture my attention and strip away my guilt and shame, fill me with His Spirit, and empower me to know and serve Him... Yet I still have pride. Somewhere in there my flesh remains wanting significance and recognition, to be the greatest.

This must be what Paul meant when he wrote about the sinful nature constantly needing to be controlled and submitted to the Spirit. This is the self-control he mentions in Galatians 5. Somehow I have the nature of Christ dwelling within me, the same Spirit that raised Christ from the dead; and yet also have a sinful nature, subdued, but present. What a mystery!

This is why, after the "second crisis", a lifetime of growing in holiness remains. When I look to compare myself to others, even in the slightest way, I am feeding the pride of my flesh; but when I choose to fix my eyes on Jesus, the author and the finisher of my faith, I move forward in holiness, being made perfect in love - love for God and love for one another.

What a mystery that God chooses some and not others, yet it is all made right in Himself. It's not something to be explained, it just is because He is. Somehow I am not better or worse because I am chosen, but HE IS. That's the answer. There's equality because HE IS.

So what is the answer to pride? HE IS! What a mystery.

Here I am!

Oh dear... Well, this journey is nearing an end.

I know I have been quiet for a long while, but I cannot share the deep ponderings of my heart or the latest of my life experiences. They are too personal and too sacred to be touched. And, unfortunately, if I can't share the deep things of my heart, than I tend to have nothing else to say. Not because there are no other good things in my life or things I could easily share with the public; but becuase I am so easily consumed by the deep thoughts of my heart that I can't seem to move on and get to other things untill there is an appropriate measure of inner resolve :). Rev. starks said to me a week or so ago, "You seem to need to understand things, and - not necessarily be in control - but at least be able to operate with understanding." And unfortunately, the Lord doesn't always allow for me to understand my circumstances, thoughts, emotions, relationships, or anything!

So, here I am after about a month of silence and I would like to share a few things with you.

First, I am thrilled to share in the calling of my husband to minister at Immanuel Baptist Church in Truro, NS. We are so excited to move, get settled, and deepen in the love of God for these precious people.

Along those lines, I have an amazing husband who rocks my world. We have grown closer in these few months than ever before and I stand in full support (with an appropriate measure of pride) as he responds to his call to full time worship ministry.

Second, I am in growing amazement of the people, particularly the pastors here at PIWC who have blessed me beyond measure these past several months. We've had our ups an downs :) but I have a deep, unshakeable love and respect for each one of them and their families.

Last, but not least, I am ending this journey by beginning a new one with the Lord. He is doing the work that He promised He would do. He is so in control and has been faithful to every word He has spoken into my heart. I am yet awaiting the fuflillment of that first and last word He spoke that will launch me into this next journey with empowerement and wisdom...

My heart rejoices in the Lord.
Here is a song that has ministered to me over the past month:

The More I Seek You
Christ for the Nations

The more I seek You
The more I find You

The more I find You
The more I love You

I want to sit at your feet
Drink from the cup in Your hand
Lay back against You and breathe
Feel Your heart beat
This love is so deep
It's more than I can stand
I melt in Your peace
It's overwhelming